D.I.Y.

Rip and Suzanna can make it happen!

Chip and Joanna Gaines have set the bar high for husband and wife DIYers. Joanna, with her unique vision, every hair in place and image of the perfect working mom, makes it all look so easy. Chip, the goofball, who always has an enjoyable time implementing Joanna’s vision, well, he just has way too much fun.

Recently, my wonderful wife had a “vision” to replace a door in our house. “I really believe we can do this ourselves,” she instructs me.

Now I am fairly handy, but I am and always have been a realist. I know when I have reached my level of incompetence. At that point, I know it is time to call in the experts. But technology has distorted my ability to know my incompetence level. How you might say? 

The culprit is YouTube.

“Just YouTube it,” they all say. You can figure out how to do anything by just watching the YouTube video.

Next thing I know, I’m downloading , “How to replace a door and frame,” on YouTube.

“By golly, I think I can do it,” I overconfidently inform my wife. 

She is delighted. Project is on. Roll the cameras!

Chip and Joanna would be so proud of us!

Before we move forward, I insist to my wife we change our names. From this part of the project on, we will call ourselves “Rip and Suzanna.”

Suzanna rolls her eyes.

Rip gathers all the tools listed as “must haves” by the Tube advisory. Hammer. Check. Level. Check. Shims. Check. Liquid Nails. Check. Saw. Check. Rip even has on a cool hat just like the other guy that rhymes with his.

Suzanna, not impressed with Rips horse play, states, “its time to get to work.”

“But the other couple makes it look so much fun,” Rip opines.

“You haven’t even bought the door,” Suzanna states.

Ooops!

At the store, they inform us we must choose between right open doors and left open doors. We stand in the store and like mimes, pantomime opening the doors, ensuring we have the correct opening. Together, we decide we need a right open door. Now, we have the door. Check.

The Tube said I must have these tools.

Back at the home front, Rip fires up the hand saw as hair begins to grow on his chest. Tim the Tool Man is grinning somewhere. 

The hand saw glides through the old nails effortlessly. “Hey, this is pretty easy,” I think to myself, as I slide out the old door. “All those wives out there without a handy husband like me must be jealous,” I think to myself as I become just a little full of it.

Suzanna, not easily impressed, is impressed.

Now, I place the new door in place. Shims are placed strategically. The door is level. It opens and shuts. Success! Cue the cameras. Rip and Suzanna must hug and do something really cool now. Except….

Suzanna says the door opens the wrong way!

“But we selected the door we both said was correct,” I boldly say, under my breath.

Back to the store we go to get the correct door. 

The new door fits perfect. Rip nails it in place and life is good again.

The Tube instructs RIP to put insulating foam in the crevices. Check. He lets it sit overnight. Time to go play.

The next morning, eager to inspect Rips work, Suzanna checks the door.

“Rip!!! You’d better come in here quickly!” she says with urgency.

When Rip turns the corner, he sees the beautifully insulated foam from yesterday has quadrupled in size and is taking over the door. In addition, the expansion of the foam jammed the door so tight, it will not open or close.

“Cut the cameras boy’s, while I chisel off eight inches of hardened foam.”

Problem solved.

Rip the Door Hanger

Next comes the threshold. Using liquid nails, Rip places the wooden board under the metal threshold for support. Time to apply the liquid nails. Be careful to not get this solution on anything else, the directions state. As Rip cuts the end of the tube, the liquid substance shoots out on the floor.

“Suzanna, can you hand me a rag?”

Rip wipes the floor, getting some of the adhesive on his shoes and hands. He picks up his hammer, which now has sticky stuff on it. His nose itches and, yes, now his nose and even some hair has glue residue visible.

They now move on to the trim. 

Rip is not having fun. Suzanna is worried.

The tube tells us to measure twice and cut once.

“Suzanna, you measure, and I’ll cut,” Rip wisely states.

Measure, measure cut. Wrong.

Measure, measure. Cut. Still wrong.

Measure, measure. Cut.

“That doesn’t look so bad,” we both say in unison, knowing it looks bad.

Now the project is finally complete.

Rip makes a sock monkey face with his gloves. It automatically attacks Suzanna, in typical Magnolia style. Rip leans over and kisses Suzanna in celebration of the completed project. 

Their noses stick together by liquid nails.

Cut!!!

One thought on “D.I.Y.

  1. Totally hilarious and totally believable! It’s so vivid I can see you both in every step of the way. I don’t feel you are quite ready to knock any walls out just yet!

    Liked by 1 person

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